by » Sat Dec 21, 1999 1:45 am
Hi, this is my first post here so I'm not sure quite what to expect or if I will even get any replies, but I really feel like I have no other place to turn for help.
I am a young woman and for as long as I can remember I have been attracted to young boys. Obviously this was fine when I was younger, but now that I am older training to be a member of the legal profession it is a real problem. I know I referred to myself as a 'paedophile', but (after doing some research into my attraction) I believe I am something called a 'hebephile', meaning I am mostly attracted to 11-14 year olds. I find myself sexually attracted to boys that are usually around this age group, though it is not just sexual- sometimes I find myself desiring a relationship with them.
I don't generally find myself attracted to boys under 10, however there have been a few instances in which I have been, though it is not in quite the same way as I desire the older boys. I am actually bisexual but I am not attracted to underage girls AT ALL. It may also be worth mentioning that I do suffer from OCD, however I don't believe this to be a case of POCD (obsessing about being a pedophile). I have also suffered from depression in the recent past. I have no childhood traumas or abuse etc, I had an excellent childhood. I had a boyfriend that is the same age as me, though I find myself becoming increasingly disinterested in him due to my fantasies about young boys... which have seemed to be getting stronger lately. I'm not sure what set this into motion (though it has always been there).
I don't feel comfortable telling any of this to a councillor or to friends and family-Punjabi parents/relatives do not understand these kinds of impulses. I am a reasonably normal girl in most other ways but I have this big secret and it's weighing me down, which is why I am posting on this forum now- I basically need someone to talk to about it! I know that my feelings are unnatural and shouldn't be acted upon, but the thought of doing so excites me...how do I get over this? Has anybody gone through/ is going through something similar?
I did some research into female paedophiles and came across loads of articles saying "DO FEMALE PEDOPHILES EXIST?" This makes me feel really alone- is my condition really that rare?! because of this I haven't been able to find any useful info that can help me in relation to being a female 'pedophile'- let alone a 'hebephile'.
I hope I get some responses on this, even if you don't know much about the area please feel free to comment, it will really help me feel not so alone. Thanks!